Sunday Bookmarks #1
Welcome to another corner of the internet I have decided to cultivate, in lieu of having nothing else to do.
I am hoping my substack will become a place to share this weekly newsletter, a continuation of my Instagram round ups, covering the things I am currently reading, watching and living with. I would like to also give a home to some longer-form writing that doesn’t currently have anywhere to live except my phone notes and google docs, in hope that one day I will be sharing links to them being published on real-life websites too.
READING //
The Colour of God via NetGalley (out 1st April)
In this memoir of migration and the rejection of assimilation, Chaudhry tracks her personal religious journey with Islam, her parents’ attachment to fundamental Muslim groups and wearing religious dress in Canada. I am 180 pages in, and although Chaudhry is weaving Quranic verse, historic retelling and present-day memoir into her pages, it is compulsively readable in tone. Almost ted talk Esque, she flits between grand ideas of patriarchy as both white western construct and a very real experience in her small Muslim community, she delves into her own mistakes and has so far been able to articulate what can only be described as an infinitely complex topic, when writing as a Brown woman living in the whitewashed settler state of Canada.
WATCHING //
I am a fickle television watcher, I have a very select set of interests, regularly ignore my friends’ recommendations and often am turned off by whatever show is being dissected on Twitter, for no other reason than I’m fucking annoying. Therefore my show recs will probably be outdated, you don’t need me to tell you to watch ‘I May Destroy You’, because you already did, so these are for the people who have no desired to complete Netflix.
Take Your Pills (Netflix)
A 2018 documentary film looking at the historic and current use of amphetamine drugs; Ritalin, Adderall, and their counterparts, for performance enhancement. We meet students trying to get ahead, wall street bankers desiring a tight focus, and elite athletes using it to alleviate pain. The graphics are engaging and the expert interviewed seem wide-reaching in scope, but what struck me most was the culture of productivity all participants were citing. Students spoke of a need for full marks whilst football players suggested it helped them forget about the pain, pain caused by a serious injury that may lead to life long issues. All situations explored by the individuals left me thinking of this absurd notion of a body as human capital, that must prove its worth exclusively through measurable output, and how the pharma industries have misrepresented neurological conditions in order to prescribe people, a capitalist boost.
LIVING WITH //
I am lacking energy this week, which isn’t new. It’s a culmination of things, obviously, surgery is a trauma to the body, being entirely alone in the hospital is another, dealing with yet more uncertain health news, and trying to understand how I will drag myself over the university finish line this summer all plays a part. The morning of my laparoscopic surgery, I convinced myself that 10 years of cervical pain and unexplained stabbing was all in my head, they were going to operate and find nothing and I would have wasted everyone’s time. That is the residue of medical trauma, of the number of times I, and many others, have been told it’s all in our heads. Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way the cup is filled, my surgeon found a large number of endometrial cells, on multiple organs. she said this may be the first procedure of many. There may be further damage. consequences. This is a story I am not ready to face yet, but one I hope to write about soon.
Zooming out from personal woes, it has been another crapper for the bodies of marginalised genders, I do not need to share my own traumas for you to know I am affected, after all, 97% of us are, and that does not account for those who are the most marginalised in public spaces; those who cannot hide under hoodies and non-descript silhouettes, those who are racialised and identified by otherness, those are the ones who need the most protection. I do not want to use the space as a way to disseminate news, that is what the actual news is for. I am merely reflecting on my personal effects, whilst considering things that connect dots for me, I hope you can follow my train of thought. The graphic content being shared from last nights vigils for the Death of Sarah Everard, circulating without trigger warnings have left me unable to look at social media feeds for much of the weekend, I am becoming more and more aware of sharing graphic images as a way that desensitizes us from the material instead of evoking lasting change, it feels as if we are stuck in a boom and bust cycle of outrage and I am unsure what I can do to make a change.
Despite or in light of that, online communion has provided me with much solace, as I’m sure it has for others. Last week, a fellow book lover cycled over with a set of books from her disability led inclusive indie press, just to say, she saw my videos and these are something to enjoy. What a delight the book world brings us. This week, I awoke from surgery and sent morphine fuelled voice notes to a girl I’ve never met, I told her my fears about losing ovaries, the pain of a post-op wee and a photo of my teddy bear. She is reading this I am sure, and knows already how much I care for her. As frustration grows and discourse about discourse continues to develop in our never-ending, un-put-downable pocket devices, I am thankful for the spaces I can cultivate friendship, when my world has shrunk.
Thank you for reading with me, I would love your thoughts on this new venture over on IG. Catch you all on another part of the internet,
Hannah