Sunday Bookmarks #12
Happy Sunday folks, I took last week off from writing this little letter, as I was nose to the grindstone finishing the final essay of my undergraduate degree. I am back this week, feeling a lot more like myself, and for the most part, more optimistic about my health. It has been noticeable, to me at least, how much easier it is to manage my fluctuating symptoms and ‘bad days’ when the time pressure of university deadlines is not constantly consuming my every thought. However, it now seems I am presented with a different set of problems, what can I do to feel like I am participating in life, whilst also valuing rest and this new season of quiet in my life. More on those feelings down below.
READING //
Doing something a little different this week, I am sharing some bargain audiobooks to accompany your hours on the sweltering overcrowded public transport network, or background noise for ‘working’ from the garden.
It’s the Audible two for one summer sale; two books for only one credit! We know audible is a subsidiary of amazon, thus not exactly an ethical resource for audiobooks, but since they have the monopoly on so many authors and recordings, it seems we are often stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love Scribd but it can be painfully American in its selections, and borrow box attached to my local library is useful too, and free of course, but alas, the rest of my trendy city also want to listen to the latest memoir or booker prize winner, so the wait can be months long.
Back to Audible, fiction picks in the deal are as follows:
Milkman by Anna Burns - a brilliant if not slightly dense inspection of life in the troubles, coming of age in Northern Ireland, and the violence that maimed the city. narrated with a wonderful native lilt making the text much more listenable than readable, for me at least.
Ghost Wall by Sarah Moss - Moss nails tension and atmosphere every time, and something about the slow build-up to a crescendo of the final 20 pages, makes her books well suited for audio. Here we follow a toxic marriage with an abusive patriarch at the helm, as the family embarks on a summer spent recreating life in a century gone by. Much is said in the short time, on the north-south divide, the submission of a wife harmed by conflicts and the optimism being young can bring.
Queenie by Candice Carty Williams - a millennial London-centric story following a young black woman navigating life in the city, one I often recommend to friends who are yet to find their reading niche. Plenty of commentary on mental ill-health in the Black British community, intergenerational trauma, and navigating interracial relationships.
His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman - a classic comfort listen of mine. I didn’t grow up with this fantasy series, I was strictly invested in her who shall not be named. However, I listened to the entire trilogy on a road trip to Scotland a couple of years ago, and they now accompany me in the early hours of the morning when sleep evades me
Non-fiction
Helter-skelter by Vincent Bugliosi and Curt Gentry. As a self-confessed cult fan, it is surprising I haven’t read one of the original books on Charles Manson and his free-love turned LA murder squad. One I will definitely be ordering.
Life as a unicorn by Amrou Al-Kadhi - In my top 10 memoirs of all time I think, which says something considering I read around 30 a year. The byline describes it as ‘my life as a Muslim drag queen’, Amrou so eloquently tells of an upbringing in a conservative Muslim family, finding peace with his queerness and then convincing his family too. Moving and funny and a celebration of many forms of love.
Motherhood by Sheila Heiti - for fans of Rachel cusk’s nonfiction, and anyone who wants to consider the more meta aspect of becoming a mother. Airs on the side of cerebral and maybe pretentious to some but I think Heiti says a lot of smart things about a topic that can feel very surface level at times in other books or general discourse.
LISTENING TO //
Unfortunately, my listening habits this week, continue the audible theme, as I am now seemingly an advert for Mr Bezos’ pocket. I’m kidding, boycott where you can. It does seem after a certain amount of time, some of the audible exclusive podcasts, turn up on the mainstream podcasting apps too, so worth checking back periodically.
Rise of the Iron Men is a 6 part series on the worldwide rise of populist leaders. Each episode focuses on a political leader'; Modi, Bolsonaro and Duterte all feature. Published in September 2020, producer Misha Glenny reflects on their rise to power, policy changes enacted by them that directly oppose democracy, and most interestingly, each’s reaction and handling of the pandemic so far. One review coins it as ‘left wing propaganda’, So I knew I would enjoy it. I haven’t quite brought myself to listen to the series finale, on our one and only, Boris Johnson. Not because, as another review says, ‘its far fetched to draw comparisons between the U.K and these other dictatorships’, which sounds like denial and white western superiority to me, but for the opposite reason, I am not sure I am ready to be depressed by the truly dismal state of our government. Johnson has been given too many free passes during the last 14 months, his bumbling effect often used as cover for some much more sinister policy changes, that will profoundly change the landscape of U.K after he has left office. The proof is in the pudding so to speak, so as populism takes hold here too, I am sure those other reviewers may retract such broad statements of optimism.
The Dark Web, a topic that has always interested me. I have one friend in particular whose extremely concerned with privacy data and is often warning me of things I must unsubscribe from, or watch out for. On that note, U.K folk, have you contacted your NHS provider to opt-out of your health data being shared with third parties? if not, go, GO NOW. Anyway, said friend is interested in data mining and cybersecurity, I am less so, although I am sure if I read enough about it I would be suitably paranoid too, I just don’t have room on my anxiety plate for that at the moment, when space frees up, I am sure I will research that rabbit hole too. Anyway, this series is linked in a roundabout away, each episode explores a different facet of the ‘dark web’, for those blissfully unaware, that is essentially an alternative internet, underwritten by numerous US government agencies, and used to supply, advertise and purchase most illicit things you can think of; Hitmen, weapons, drugs etc etc. It moves from the creation of the most infamous dark web site, The Silk Road to the rise of digital currency BitCoin, and hacking as a form of resistance to capitalism. For the most part, it presents balance to each side of said discussions and set off some interesting personal discussions in our long car drives recently. It does have some questionable sound editing and disappointingly stereotypical choices for some voice actors, do we really need to perpetuate the ‘young Black South London dealer’ as the only image for those who engage with drugs? those gripes aside, it is an interesting and mostly gripping series.
LIVING WITH//
I did it, I finished, I handed in all of my final year essays so I guess that means I have graduated. I actually haven’t got all of my final grades back but I back myself enough to know I have at least passed. Given the circumstances, it was always going to feel anti-climactic. We were told there would be no in-person graduation back in March. I wasn’t that hung up over it, although my grandmother is extremely disappointed she won’t have a customary photo in the traditional garb, to frame amongst her 20 other grandchildren. People are dying, Lillian.
It feels less of the end in another sense too, I am graduating from a course that is a direct pathway to becoming a classroom teacher. I am not following the rest of my cohort down that well-trodden path. I have told people it is because I don’t believe in the system, mainstream education is too broken and there is not enough personal autonomy involved in the job to gratify my educational philosophy. That is all true, but the other point, the one more solid, unable to avoid and even come to terms with, is that even if I wanted to be a teacher in September, just for a year or just on supply, I physically couldn’t. Although my body is cooperating more often than previously, and my management of day to day life is improving, it still sits in a very precarious place, one that can easily be knocked, by stress or physical exertion or both; Teaching is a very potent mix of the two.
To admit defeat, is in a sense, to experience for perhaps the first time in my life, at 25, something that I want to do, that I cannot, because of my body. In the last 4 years I have said no to things, small things and big things, but not permanent things. I have turned down party invites, rearranged dinners, and extended essays. I came close to moving back in with my mum, I thought about new ground floor flats when the stairs seemed too daunting of a prospect, but I managed. Somehow, I postponed anything that seemed like a permanent choice to be made in light of diminishing health. This is also not to say that I haven’t failed and missed out and chosen to avoid lots of other things in life so far, for reasons other than illness.
My upbringing and my skin colour have granted me many privileges, that have even given me opportunities and doors into places that I would not have been granted any other way, that is not to be dismissed. I have failed at jobs and friendships and lost out on things I thought were destined to be mine. But I thought all those things were ‘meant to be’, as trite as it sounds, before I got sick I lived by the mantra, that things meant for you, will never pass you by. How can I say that now, when a career I know fulfils me, keeps my mind active and my heart full, is no longer in my reach? because of illness, because of disease. The social model of disability tells us it is not the disabled person who is the issue, it is the blockades placed in front of them by society, that create inaccessibility. Thus, it is not my body’s fault that teaching involves long hours, unpaid overtime, large emotional stress, long corridors, rarely time to use the bathroom and requires standing up or hunching over, for most of the day. That is the fault of the mainstream education system, and moreover, late capitalism and neoliberalism. There aren’t many disabled teachers, because the job is a test of physical and mental strength. The average career span for a teacher in the U.K is 7 years, considering you spend up to 3 years training beforehand and 2 in a newly qualified status, that doesn’t leave much time for self-actualizing in the profession before you decide it’s all too much and packs it in for something less all-consuming.
This is not to scare those who want to teach or dishearten those who teach already, there are many things wrong with many industries when it comes to inclusivity and accessibility. I read something recently that said, maybe the reason so many doctors are dismissive of invisible and chronic energy limiting illnesses, is because they’ve spent several years in medical school, where they’ve been pushed to the limit; Triple night shifts, extreme stress and excessive physical exertion, seem part and parcel of their daily life. They are quite literally trained, to believe, anyone can push through anything, particularly those who are young and ‘look’ healthy, their own experiences create a breeding ground for internalized ableism. I have no idea the proportion of disabled doctors or teachers, but I can probably bet is it minimal. Two career paths that are public-facing, responsible for care and education in both cases, and yet, neither are available as jobs to those who could serve so well in both, informing the next generation to avoid the ableist traits of current society and to provide lived experiences to combat the rampant medical ableism so many of us experience in the healthcare system. It seems, as most often is the case, the issue is much larger than one system or field or group of people; What is necessary to fix it is also much bigger than us, it requires a full system overhaul, which seems impossible. So we are left to chip away at the small problems in order to, somehow, eventually, make a dent in the bigger ones. I hope whatever job I end up in, it will somehow contribute to that chipping, and in my lifetime, collectively, we will make some bigger dents.
Catch you all on another part of the internet,
Hannah